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Friday, February 14, 2014
(WRITTEN ON SOME DAY IN OCTOBER 2013 - saved as draft and got completely forgotten until today, LOL.)
Hello!
I'm going to share about something that I usually don't talk about today - relationship!
Yeah, the reason why I'm going to write about it is because I felt that I have gotten some form of enlightenment some random day last week.
Yup, just before uni have started, I was actually like a little excited girl who looks forward to the new school where I can meet a bunch of new friends and hopefully, the first important guy in my life.
However, I have realised things aren't going in the same way as what I have anticipated for so long.
After spending 2 entire years in a Bio class with only 3 guys in JC, I actually felt myself being so awkward in front of guys.
While I can still joke and play around with the girls, I have actually found myself to be at a loss of words when I meet guys.
And being an introvert by nature had totally made things worse.
At this point of time, I will like to mention that I'm absolutely not desperate for guys or anything.
I don't know if you can understand or have ever experience it for yourself how nice is it to have platonic friends around you - yeah, that's the feeling I'm looking for.
That's the major part of Secondary School that I totally cherish a lot.
And yeah, it's the eighth week into the semester(time really flies man) and I'm still trying to adapt:/
Things are getting better, at least:)
The sense of awkwardness is slowly fading off bit by bit.
And I think the guys beside me can also sense that difference between me and other girls.
Just yesterday, a male classmate of mine actually asked me if I have any sisters.
Further probing about the reason why he had asked this question, he said, "Okay.. I had actually come to a conclusion that either you have sister(s) and that's why you are so used to having the company of girlfriends, or you don't have any sister(s) and you are trying to search for that sense of female companionship among your friends."
Yeah, he's trying to mean that I'm sticky with my girlfriends (and maybe awkward with guys).
It's that obvious @.@
Alright, actually that's not the main point of my post today hahaha.
Mm, so apparently there're some issues that have arisen in my life that had made me suddenly not so excited about meeting that first guy in my life.
And by the way, I have always been a pretty logical person who don't put much emphasis into relationship issues.
I am clear-minded enough to know that everything regarding this issue evolves around 1 magical word - fate, and I absolutely don't want to force anything.
Yup, I have been single for past 18+ years but I going to admit that a few guys have walked into my life on and off all this while.
In a sense, I have chosen to be single.
Looking back, all of them have been wonderful people, but I have realised that everything has been the way it is now all because of my own psychological barrier that I just can't cross and move ahead.
I was born into a complete family.
However, I was given a very traditional Chinese background whereby all the guys I was exposed to since young are male chauvinists.
I don't have sisters, and the only female at home which is my mum just so happened to be a very traditional Chinese woman as well.
Even as a female herself, she was convinced that males will always be superior to the females.
So you can more or less guessed how I was brought up and what kind of stuff I was taught since Day 0.
I really hate that idea that guys must be the strong one and girls must be dependent on them(in 1 way or another).
Hence, I held on strong to my belief that girls can do as well, or even better, without a guy by her side.
And things just get worse with all the dramas featuring jerks coming in:X
As much as I logically know that not all relationships will end up with a broken heart(or 2, perhaps), the emotional side of me has deterred me from trying out. It told me that I'll have a high possibility of getting hurt eventually.
"All guys got a mask. They will be really nice to you right now but it's not going to last."
However, I still look forward to a BGR(a good sign that I'm straight:D), given how it can provide 2 people of opposite genders that special kind of chemical reaction.
I guess that kind of care, concern and love that he can provide must be different to the ones I'm having now.
It can't be rushed, so I'm patiently waiting. :)
Happy Valentine's Day, peeps!:)
Another 14 Feb without a guy by my side.
And I have decided to spend this "special" day on my own with my books in the library.
Oh well, how I wish I can spend this day with my friends who are singles.
We can have a day of fun together. Just treat it as a friendship day, can't we? :)
The opportunity will come soon, I guess. Haha.
It's a happy occasion which no one should be feeling sad about, even for the singles.
I always believe that chance will come to me one day, but I don't wanna rush it.
Good stuffs are worth the wait, yeah?:P
To the you out there, I may not know who you are right now, but Happy Valentine's Day to you.
I kind of felt sour at the thought of you celebrating today with another her(if you have 1), but I guess I just want you to be happy:)