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SHI TING
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Mickomushi.
Sunday, March 15, 2015

'Always remember, child,' her first teacher had impressed on her, 'that to think bad thoughts is really the easiest thing in the world. If you leave your mind to itself it will spiral you down into ever-increasing unhappiness. To think good thoughts, however, requires effort. This is one of the things that need disipline –training- is about. So train your mind to dwell on sweet perfumes, the touch of this silk, tender raindrops against the shoji, the curve of the flower arrangement, the tranquillity of dawn. Then, at length, you won't have to make such a great effort and you will be of value to yourself.'


It has been ages since I last posted.. 6 months to be exact.
I guessed I have lost touch with writing so much that I no longer feel comfortable doing it anymore..

I can still recall that I was feeling pretty confident and happy last year during this period.
I took off my spectacles, put on contact lenses, changed to a feminine hairstyle and had new fashion sense.
I was thinking positively about my own life, feeling confident about my own appearance and even had a sixth sense that my first BGR is on the way.
And I was right~

It has been 8 months down the road and life was in fact, far from a bed of roses from then till now.
Love is indeed a bittersweet thing to have and the lack of prior experience to deal with it does not help anything at all.
It is really amazing how time changes people.
Just 5 or 6 years back, I saw you as an immature young guy who is constantly playing a fool and you saw me as a girl who is beautiful and deep.
Fast forward, you have become an ambitious man with great aspirations now and I am just the most ordinary Life Sciences girl.

Nevertheless, I never believe that anything in life happens as a mistake and I really appreciate the adventure that you have given me.

Thanks for being my mirror
No one has ever allowed me to see myself so clearly. Through your eyes, I had a taste of my own character and personality.  You have taught me about the power of my words and actions so strictly but you always didn't forget to offer me your shoulder to cry on after that. You hard-heartedly made me fall, but you have repeatedly convinced me that it's okay because I will stand up even stronger with you around me. I will never forget how you softly whisper "It's okay" in my ears and gently pushed me into your warm embrace.

Thanks for giving me space and encouragement to explore myself
You always see something more in me. You understand how timid and dependable I get sometimes but you remains to stay indifferent, forcing me to step out of my comfort zone by myself. You just know that I can do it. And you know that I know that as well. Thanks for allowing me to learn that the courage is there and I just got to go and  pick it up without any help. You also taught me to be comfortable alone  because it is part of truly loving myself. My friends lament about how I always disappear because I am busy with dating, but they never know that I am actually spending a lot of time alone in my own little world.  

Thanks for being my Grammar teacher
I think this is the funniest point. I always hated learning Grammar(or English) as a child so I got really sucky Grammar and sentence structure till now(as you may have noticed as you are reading this post). While others may feel embarrassed to correct me, you just say it straight in my face and sometimes even laugh at it. Whenever it happens, I simply roll my eyes at your directness but make conscious effort to remind myself not to make the same grammatical error again. I think we can both agree that I did made some progress throughout the past 8 months?  

Thanks for training up my patience
You are not being nice to me 70% of the time, let's admit that. But of course, we all know that you are joking most of those times. I get angry a lot because I feel that you have carried your jokes too far (Our quarrels usually stem from there). I can't remember how much fights we had over the past 8 months as there is countless. We always quarrel about the same old things but if something did improved through these fights, I guessed it's our patience. 

Thanks for turning me into a more positive person 
You're definitely not the most positive person around. But you can certainly deal with negativity better than me in your own ways(e.g. sleeping). You're really good in your logic(hence, I definitely believe that you're be good in law as well). I really appreciate how you are able to analyse my situation so thoroughly for me whenever I rant to you about my problems. You suddenly made things  look so clear to me so that I can look at them again without an emotional bias. You are a "do" person, and I will always remember how you used to tell me to stop looking for the right time to start work because any moment is a good moment to do that. If I am a sunflower, you are my sunshine.

Thank you for being my man
I really love hugging you. Your embrace is the best place for me to seek comfort. Most of the time, I like to act like a little kid so that you can shower care and love on me. I love how you always try to act "man" in situations when you are in fact a little scared as well. My wish remains - to be your little girl, always.

Maybe you will never see this post that I have dedicated to you. Maybe we are going to split today, or tomorrow, or soon. There's too many problems to deal with and too much obstacles ahead. It's a test. Let's see how far love can take us, dear<3 font="" nbsp="">

 I will never get sick of saying "I love you".

posted at 5:19 PM by Shi Ting

Monday, September 29, 2014










I just realised that what I really needed isn't time.
I need faith and patience.
Be determined, stick to your plan.and then acknowledge your own efforts upon completion.
Do whatever it takes and shut out all those noises in the background.
The sunny times will eventually come.

Depression is just a stupid mind game you play with others but always end up losing to yourself.
Quit that trap.



posted at 6:56 PM by Shi Ting

Saturday, September 13, 2014

He Was My First Love And My First Heartbreak. We Simply Fell In Love At The Wrong Time.

BY Stephanie Ungersböck


He was everything I ever wanted in a man. If I were to conceptualise a list of ten desired qualities in a man, he would score eleven out of ten. He was my other half, this uncomprehendingly wonderful being that fulfilled my life, so much so that I sometimes doubted his existence and thought that I had contrived him in a dream. He inspired me, challenged me and loved me just as I was: quirks, flaws and all. He touched my soul so deeply that I was completely vulnerable to his grasp, which was always tender and caring. He taught me what it felt like to truly love someone down to your core; what it felt like to constantly live with a burning desire, so strong that it actually pains you, and he showed me the perpetually engulfing warmth of deep, flaming, impassioned, mad love. He dreamed up delightful visions of our future together – bright enough for both our imaginations.

I loved every element of his soul. What he deemed flawed, I saw as more reasons to love him: I loved his heartwarming stutter when he became too excited about a topic of conversation; that floppy wisp of hair that he could never seem to control; the way he overused the word perpetually when describing his passions; his shyness when wearing his glasses, letting my compliments bounce off him like a tennis ball to a solid wall; the sad smile he made that accompanied a vacant stare when remembering happy memories of a loved one lost; his confidence that was always accompanied by a tiny crevice of self-doubt, a nook that I constantly tried to fill; and his overwhelming passion for life and love: always optimistic, always grateful, always pure and true. Our conversations were energy-filled debates of love and adoration: bursting with excitement of sharing our knowledge, truths, love and joie de vivre; yearning to include each other in every capillary of our lives.

He was my perfect puzzle piece: an over-thinker, a relentless inspiration-seeker, forever a solitary explorer, believing that life is meant for loving, and happiness is meant for sharing. He loved and took note of life’s simple pleasures, like a steaming cup of tea, aged wine, the smell of old books, the beauty in the silliness of a fit of uncontrollable laughter, the underrated phenomena of a thunderstorm, the crinkles in my nose when I laugh and the unique story to the cracks and pops of a spinning vinyl. He was a down-to-earth man, taking a liking to the distinctive story behind every object, location and individual, equipped with the remarkable ability to connect with your soul; his presence an eternally rare gift. He encouraged my passions, loving the way I wrote words that I had never spoken, and my constant desire to make them bounce off the pages on which they were written. But he was also was my reality: pulling me back down to earth when I had floated too far into space.
“The timing was wrong.”
He knew me better than I knew myself; he guided me towards a more beautiful life and opened my eyes to a wonderful, dazzling world that he helped create for me. My heart was safely, snuggly wrapped in a blanket of his pulchritudinous love; and so I always carried him with me, wherever I went: in my sub-conscience, in my actions, in my thoughts, in my activities. It was as though we were one, and I was just one half of this amazingly surreal, perfect concept of ‘us’. With him by my side, I felt like I could conquer the world, reach all my goals and dream up inconceivable dreams; but with him by my side, I was just as content with dropping everything for a simple, happy life of togetherness.
I couldn’t love him enough. The timing was wrong.

I was in the winter of my life, stuck in an icicle of numbness: too afraid to completely give my heart, but wanting to with every fiber of my being. My life was a circulating frustration, filled with demons of the past, and I needed to find myself before he found me. I was hiding behind a mask of optimism, running away from the claws of my emotions. He came into my life at a very fragile time, and soon discovered that loving a conscious woman is hard work. I wanted simple; however, the new me and the life I was leading was far from simple. I was frustrated with him for the way he made me feel: filled with so much love, adoration and desire that he became a need – an unbeknown feeling to me; and I, like many other over-thinkers and women plagued by feminist ideals, was sadly too afraid to dive into the unknown, to listen to him beyond just hearing his spoken words, to mirror the support and respect that he gave me…

I was ill, lost in anger and trapped in my routine, too afraid to admit that what I wanted in life was beyond what I had. I should have realised that I was sick: I stopped writing, reading, watching films, enjoying music, exploring the world that was on my doorstep, and I had lost my hunger for the taste of new experiences – core elements of the woman that I am. Drowning in self-loathing, my full glass of frustration soon overflowed onto him, the one person that understood me and the only one I allowed close enough to my heart to be my comfort. I should have painfully pushed my pride aside, and accepted that my frustration was caused by my routine, my lifestyle, and my refusal to accept that what I thought I wanted out of life, and the pathway that I had taken, was incorrect.

Despite the fact that he was faced with the toughest time of his life, a time of loss, unwanted change and unimaginable sadness, he was still there for me; and I was undeserving. He would approach me with love and delight, and I would respond with a blank stare and silent tears creeping down my cheeks – tormented by my own frustrations that I simply couldn’t understand. I could not give him the love and support that he needed, and it lead to a pointless war within. I was not ready for his love, as much as I desperately thirsted to be ready for it.

He was my first love, and my first heartbreak.

Life without him brought me inconceivable pain: pain that turned out to be my greatest teacher. It was a pain that represented the few fighting rays of sunshine through the fog of my life; pain that set me on a path of self-discovery; pain that demanded me to keep learning; pain that taught me what it really means to feel; and pain that forced me to open my eyes that had been blinded by the illusion that the distance between us was merely physical and not emotional. Losing him, my entire world and the person I depended on for happiness, was a reality check of note: I was forced to avoid all distractions and take a cold, hard look at myself and finally be honest about my aspirations and how I wanted to reach them. I had to forget about everyone else’s opinions and uncover the truth about how I felt – something I had hidden to make life easier: a demon that I should have addressed before I met him. I had to start creating my own happiness; and wow, what a challenge that has been.
It’s hard to live with should haves and the mourning of unspoken words, unfulfilled moments and future memories left blank. I yearned for his forgiveness, knowing that it wasn’t him, but me. I am thankful for the fact that I was never granted the opportunity to ask for it, due to the high wall that he had built between us, separating the beginnings of his new life from the memory of us, because it lead me to the realisation that I first needed to forgive myself. The heartbreak was self-inflicted, and I will carry the weight of that with me for the rest of my life.

Life after him has been filled with self-discovery, enlightenment, change, a new lifestyle, new perspective, wisdom and a new-found confidence. I am finally in a place of contentment and decisiveness: knowing that where I am right now is where I am meant to be. I am now capable of love and support, and I have accepted and grown from the flaws of my failed relationship and its lessons. I am now myself: the woman I tried to hide, and the woman that he loved, hidden beneath the facade of what I was trying to be. The journey to where I am now has been incredibly tough, but I have somehow healed through rediscovering myself: through writing, listening, observing and living; not in numbness, but in fully immersing myself in life’s experiences. The realisation that guilt is a wasted emotion and finally having the courage to forgive myself took time, six months to be exact, but the freeing feelings of elation, relief and exuberance that followed are what have now come to define me as a woman.

Ironically, we are better fitting puzzle pieces now more than ever before, but the memory of the pain I caused him and the knowledge of its compounding nature will forever separate him from me.

It is always hard to choose a tense when talking, writing or thinking about him, because my feelings for him will eternally be unchanged. My respect for that man runs deeper than the darkest depths of the ocean. We met at the wrong time, and that’s okay. I have come to accept it, and hope that someday, maybe somehow, we’ll meet, enjoy a cup of tea together, reminisce and escape in one last serene moment of shared happiness. Sadly, I cannot tell my heart when to stop beating for the person who has long since stopped listening for its rhythms.

One thing is infinitely certain: he will forever be the one who woke me up, and for that, I will always love him.


(Credits:http://thoughtcatalog.com/stephanie-ungersbock/2014/09/he-was-my-first-love-and-my-first-heartbreak-we-simply-fell-in-love-at-the-wrong-time/)

posted at 4:03 PM by Shi Ting

Thursday, September 11, 2014



Because nobody thinks I'm trying hard enough, or maybe, even starting to try.
Because nobody can ever understand all the unexplained struggles deep within.
Because people evaluate efforts merely based on results they see.

Because everyone hear, but never listen.

It hurts when you decide to keep mum.
Because they will only stop blaming when they don't know anything.

Sometimes, your silent presence wins all the words.
Sometimes, just shut up when you can't understand.

Have you ever wondered, perhaps the stress doesn't come from the work.

posted at 11:03 PM by Shi Ting

Sunday, March 16, 2014


Don’t Be In A Relationship Unless 


You’re Ready To Give It Your All



MAR. 13, 2014 

Whenever Finals week rolls around, life is grim. Clearly the solution to not wanting to study is for me to aggressively send snapchats to everyone documenting my angst of not wanting to do work. Granted I’m probably a bit more sensitive and irritable than I am in a normal week, my recent epiphany materialized when I started becoming very irritated with the quality of responses that my boyfriend was giving to my snaps. He sent me a picture of a postcard I had sent him and circled a word that he couldn’t read. He then sent a follow-up to this a few hours later telling me how he was vexed all day about what the word said. I texted back telling him to send me a picture when he got the chance and I would figure it out. He then responded with a “well… I really don’t care which is why I didn’t bother figuring it out.” 
This was the first domino of my irritability, but the apex of my irritation was my realization that I was telling him about how stressed and frustrated I was feeling because of my essays, yet the only responses he was giving me were random snaps of heavy books and orchestra stands. I told him that I was having a really rough day and wanted to talk and he responded with saying that he was excited to make my friends third wheel this week when I saw him. 
I should concede first, that for all I know, he could be having a really rough time right now and simply not want to talk about. As a result, maybe he is externally projecting so he doesn’t have to deal with his problem. But when I started to tell someone this story amongst many other similar ones, I began to realize how dysfunctional a relationship this really is. 
The one thing that I’ve always admired amongst successful couples that I know is their ability to completely be there for each other. At times, some of my friends will completely drop off the face of the earth if their loved one is going through something serious and difficult. This could be misconstrued as a negative trait, but I actually think it takes a tremendous sense of maturity to fully give oneself to someone and to emotionally be there for them.
How do we know when we have this ability? I believe that we can’t reach that level until we have cultivated a degree of self where we are finally able to fully love someone else and learn to put ourselves on hold. But how do we learn to put ourselves on hold for someone else? Is it a matter of how much we love someone? Or is there a threshold that we need to hit personally before we can learn to fully give ourselves? And just as a caveat, you don’t need to always fully put yourself on hold for someone else, but I do think that in certain situations, you need to have the ability to at least temporarily pause yourself.
When your significant other tells you that they’re having a rough time and wants to talk, you should talk to them. Hopefully they won’t have to beg you about wanting to talk and you’ll just know. But in the event that we can’t all be good people readers, I would hope that if someone tells you that they’re having a rough time, you would be able offer your time and a listening ear. 
Oddly enough, although I am irritated, my main takeaway is the notion that we shouldn’t enter into a relationship unless we are fully ready to give it our all. Because when we’re not giving it our all, we are being unfair to our partners. It’s not fair if they’re giving it their all and constantly being there if we can’t reciprocate. And if we can’t reciprocate, we need to own up and either grow up, or leave.
I feel like people end up falling in love with the lust associated with a relationship and this relief of not being “forever alone.” We love the idea of being able to say and hear things like “I miss you” and “I love you” to someone, but we don’t understand that the real foundation of a relationship is not so glamorous. In our haste to simply be with someone, we neglect to actually be with them. What is a relationship if you aren’t ready to commit and give yourself? I don’t think one needs to completely discard their sense of autonomy in a relationship — after all, the people we choose to date should complement us, not complete us. But I do think that we need to take on the responsibility and remember that we are holding someone else’s hearts in our hands.

We may not be able to solve our significant other’s problems, but the least we can do is fully be there and try. Because at the end of the day, giving it all doesn’t have the power of fixing everything, but it does have the power of letting someone know that someone will be there when things aren’t okay. 

________________________________________________________


Have always thought that if we truly love the other half, we will automatically be ready to commit and give yourself.
So I actually disagree with the author's view that we must get ourselves ready and be prepared for relationships. We will be willing to give all out once we fall beautifully in love. They will kind of come together, don't they?
最近开始觉得,再理智的人,碰到爱情,都会变成。。傻瓜。

posted at 11:50 AM by Shi Ting

Friday, February 14, 2014

(WRITTEN ON SOME DAY IN OCTOBER 2013 - saved as draft and got completely forgotten until today, LOL.)

Hello!
I'm going to share about something that I usually don't talk about today - relationship!

Yeah, the reason why I'm going to write about it is because I felt that I have gotten some form of enlightenment some random day last week.
Yup, just before uni have started, I was actually like a little excited girl who looks forward to the new school where I can meet a bunch of new friends and hopefully, the first important guy in my life.
However, I have realised things aren't going in the same way as what I have anticipated for so long.
After spending 2 entire years in a Bio class with only 3 guys in JC, I actually felt myself being so awkward in front of guys.
While I can still joke and play around with the girls, I have actually found myself to be at a loss of words when I meet guys.
And being an introvert by nature had totally made things worse.
At this point of time, I will like to mention that I'm absolutely not desperate for guys or anything.
I don't know if you can understand or have ever experience it for yourself how nice is it to have platonic friends around you - yeah, that's the feeling I'm looking for.
That's the major part of Secondary School that I totally cherish a lot.
And yeah, it's the eighth week into the semester(time really flies man) and I'm still trying to adapt:/
Things are getting better, at least:)
The sense of awkwardness is slowly fading off bit by bit.

And I think the guys beside me can also sense that difference between me and other girls.
Just yesterday, a male classmate of mine actually asked me if I have any sisters.
Further probing about the reason why he had asked this question, he said, "Okay.. I had actually come to a conclusion that either you have sister(s) and that's why you are so used to having the company of girlfriends, or you don't have any sister(s) and you are trying to search for that sense of female companionship among your friends."
Yeah, he's trying to mean that I'm sticky with my girlfriends (and maybe awkward with guys).
It's that obvious @.@

Alright, actually that's not the main point of my post today hahaha.
Mm, so apparently there're some issues that have arisen in my life that had made me suddenly not so excited about meeting that first guy in my life.
And by the way, I have always been a pretty logical person who don't put much emphasis into relationship issues.
I am clear-minded enough to know that everything regarding this issue evolves around 1 magical word - fate, and I absolutely don't want to force anything.
Yup, I have been single for past 18+ years but I going to admit that a few guys have walked into my life on and off all this while.
In a sense, I have chosen to be single.
Looking back, all of them have been wonderful people, but I have realised that everything has been the way it is now all because of my own psychological barrier that I just can't cross and move ahead.
I was born into a complete family.
However, I was given a very traditional Chinese background whereby all the guys I was exposed to since young are male chauvinists.
I don't have sisters, and the only female at home which is my mum just so happened to be a very traditional Chinese woman as well.
Even as a female herself, she was convinced that males will always be superior to the females.
So you can more or less guessed how I was brought up and what kind of stuff I was taught since Day 0.
I really hate that idea that guys must be the strong one and girls must be dependent on them(in 1 way or another).
Hence, I held on strong to my belief that girls can do as well, or even better, without a guy by her side.
And things just get worse with all the dramas featuring jerks coming in:X
As much as I logically know that not all relationships will end up with a broken heart(or 2, perhaps), the emotional side of me has deterred me from trying out. It told me that I'll have a high possibility of getting hurt eventually.
"All guys got a mask. They will be really nice to you right now but it's not going to last."

However, I still look forward to a BGR(a good sign that I'm straight:D), given how it can provide 2 people of opposite genders that special kind of chemical reaction.
I guess that kind of care, concern and love that he can provide must be different to the ones I'm having now.
It can't be rushed, so I'm patiently waiting. :)

posted at 3:40 PM by Shi Ting